An Opportunity Is Always There When We Look

After posting Day 19 on Sharon Salzberg's 28-day meditation challenge blog, I was thrown a curve ball.  Meditation on Emotions was the challenge that week, and I posted thoughts and feelings which sprung from my meditation session.  My sit this particular day included enduring the physicals of a yeast infection I was enduring.  So, I felt that week's meditation challenge to be in line with my own personal challenge.

The moderator of the site reviews all posts before officially releasing them, and my Day 19 post was added to the site on the same day I posted it.  Two days later, I received an email requesting I change the title of my post.  Below is my post, followed by the email I received from the site's moderator. 

  

My Day 19 Post:

Title: Day 19 - BEING WITH MY YEAST INFECTION

Today I found myself really trying to listen and focus on Sharon's Meditation On Emotions. Instead of laying down I sat to meditate.

 

My yeast infection is still active in my body, and was the main focus in my mind today. I know it is something that for many reasons is quite common and curable. The situation was not due to anything irresponsible I or my partner did. Nevertheless, it is uncomfortable physically, and I realized after today’s meditation session that it is emotionally/mentally more painful than necessary.

 

I was exactly in some of the places Sharon described in her meditation: shame, projecting into the future, fearing what this was going to feel like tomorrow or next week. I also absolutely wove entire negative self-images (old and new) onto this current situation. I watched and the web continued to spin into themes of mortality.

 

Every time I tried to take a deep breath and bring myself back gently, my swollen breasts fell heavy on my stomach/abdomen, not letting me breathe easily. This only upset me more, adding onto the situation/self-image. It reminded me how my body has changed in the last few years, including all the pre-menopausal symptoms. It’s as if I am in limbo between not having menstrual cycles anymore (and the ability to bear children) and still having some of the classic cycle symptoms like water gain, swollen breasts and mood swings.

 

Towards the end as I dug deeper, I noticed the feeling tone in my mind shift from anger, dread, disappointment to sadness and loss. This time I let breath help and succeeded more often than not in observing with curiosity and compassion. After the session was over I was somewhat surprised at the realization of how long I had spent in the discomfort; how I had made myself at home in it.
 

I’m grateful for the whole experience. It’s not like I haven’t had this kind of infection in the past. They’ve been painful and some have taken up to a week and a half to be resolved. None however have shown me so much as this one, because I applied to the best of my ability a meditation practice that in the end told me I am not my infection, or a defective person. It also showed me that I really don’t know what things will be like from one moment to another. After my meditation session I realized that my symptoms had subsided a bit. I think meditating allows me to be in the reality of things. Emotionally adding to an uncomfortable situation, does not allow me to notice what my reality is and is not.

 

I wonder if this makes sense to anyone else, or if anyone can relate to this experience with one of their own.

 

Moderator's Email:

Subject: Title of your recent blog post

Hi Ana, I hope all is well. I’ve been enjoying your posts on the blog.  I’m writing because of the title of a recent blog post you wrote: Day 19: Being With My Yeast Infection.  I want to say first that I think the post itself is quite interesting and insightful. I do however find the title a little off-putting. I am always aware that the blog represents Sharon to a certain extent, and I would appreciate it if you changed the title. It could be: Being with Discomfort, or something like that. At the Huffington Post they just go ahead and change titles without consulting the blogger, but I prefer to correspond directly with you, and ask you to change the title.  I hope you don’t feel judged by this, as that is not at all my intention. As I said before I do like the post and feel the experience you describe is quite valid and brought up some very interesting points.

At first I found it ironic that the moderator was uncomfortable with the title of my post, at the same time the challenge of the week was to meditate with ones emotions.  Was this her missed opportunity, or an opportunity waiting for me?  Finishing this post today, 10 days from when I received the moderator's email I realize, it was mine. 

Of course I felt judged at first, and put-off by her email.  I felt she ultimately created an uncomfortable, and more importantly unsafe atmosphere for me to be able to blog freely on Ms. Salzberg's website.  I also questioned why the post's content itself was not deemed off-putting as well, considering it contained some of the same wording.  I wondered if the request to change the title was purely to maintain pretenses and to cosmetically maintain Ms. Salzberg public image.  And I also questioned if I could continue the meditation challenge on Ms. Salzberg's site without second guessing whatever I wrote.  In truth, I could not continue.

Instead, I dug deep and chose to meditate off-line on my own emotions around all this.  Without this experience I would not have been challenged to press my feelings and ideas.  I gave myself space, and what I found was plentiful. I found that this was not my problem.  No matter what the reasons for being put-off by my title, those feelings did not belong to me.  I'm usually quite mindful of others' feelings and of what I write: my Day 19 post did not contain anything that could be deemed improper, inappropriate or offensive.  In fact, this kind of infection is a common experience for millions of people. So much so, that on any given day one can see a commercial for yeast infection treatments on TV.  Knowing this, the right to turn off the TV when one is uncomfortable with the content belongs to all. 

In the end, I chose to follow another path, utilize my own blog to write freely and recognize that this was an exercise in observing others, myself and developing loving kindness.  Quite an opportunity.